The last year…
Many of us may ask ourselves this question all the time when it comes to infertility. Why me? Naturally and biologically my female body was made to be able to create life. So why can’t my body do just that? I used to ask myself this question almost daily. It was tormenting. The reality was that even though I was grateful for all the things I had, I was most of the time feeling empty on the inside, almost like a void.
This internal battle was draining. I tried to find ways to stop thinking about it. I meditated, I did physical activity, I journaled, I openly spoke about my challenges to close loved ones.etc. Everything you could think of, I did. Ultimately, nothing was working. The sadness, anxiety and desperation to find answers took over me completely. All I did was read about infertility, in efforts to diagnose myself and find the explanation to what was happening to my body. I was not getting clear answers from my Doctors and all they could point it at was stress, weight and hormone changes. I was getting the basic information but was not properly pointing to the root cause, or probable solution to balance my body. I was doing all the dieting, exercises you could think of. But things were not changing and at moments it would just get worse.
My mind, body and soul could not handle any more disappointment month after month. Until one day I decided to accept my fate and just give up. I thought, maybe I was being punished. Or maybe I had waited too long to have a baby. I blamed myself for everything. To make matters worse, it was taking a toll on my marriage. I was resentful.
I felt alone and not understood. I know I had loved ones that encouraged me, but this was something I knew I was facing alone. It was me. My body.
After months of making myself go crazy, I took a step back. I realized that I could not continue down this spiral of self-inflicting pain. It wasn’t fair for my family to receive this version of me that became unrecognizable. This wasn’t me. I knew I had to make changes and they needed to happen instantly. I decided to eliminate the stress related things I was doing. I focused my energy in mental and emotional relief. I was reluctant at first because I had conditioned myself to a panic state of being. I also did not want to let go of the hope I had to get pregnant. But it was necessary.
After a couple weeks of mentally and emotionally detoxing myself, I started to think clearly. My mind was no longer clouded by the emotional stress of trying to get pregnant. I started to find purpose in other things that I had forgotten about. I began writing, journaling, self-care routines and most importantly how to have fun again with my husband in our intimate life. NO MORE Planning.
What a relief I felt. I had not felt this much peace in a long time. I started finding myself again. A much better version of ME. A version I was proud of and treated with kindness.
I encourage you my beauties if you are currently going through the motions of infertility, to not forget how vital it is to take care of yourselves. Its OK to take a few days off your infertility challenges, heck, take a few weeks or months off. Your mental and emotional health is a priority. Don’t allow yourself to be lost in the pain. This does not mean you need to stop completely trying to get pregnant. But when you start feeling overwhelmed and defeated, I welcome you to focus your energy on things that make you happy. Maybe take up a hobby, join a book club or take a dance class!
Mostly importantly, love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Say loving things to yourself. Embrace this journey, don’t let it break you. Remember that you are more than infertility. You are strong and beautiful. You are a Queen.
Until next time my beauties. I love you.